It's Been A While-FALL

Yeah. I haven't blogged in a month and four days. Wow. Can you tell I'm dedicated? Ha. Well. Imma try to stick to it. I told myself I would and I didn't but ya know. I've just been really lazy and uninspired. I just don't feel like doing much. Mostly because I don't feel good enough. This is what depression does to me. I feel it creeping slowly but you know.
ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY, I want to blog and I'm going to try to keep up with it. I want to. How about days? Tuesdays, Wednesdays. Thursdays, break then Saturday... maybe. I don't know.  I will try, keyword, TRY ha.
Even if it is just to post a selfie I took, I will post something.
I do have some ideas though...maybe I will save them for Thursdays post. (;

 

These photos were taken not too long ago. And fall is really blooming here  in the Mitten. It is so lovely, all of the colors, all of the leaves. Don't ask why I'm not wearing a jacket. Really stupid on my part. 

Okay, that is all. Bye.

Oh, and I promise more well written blog post because all of these blog post have been written from the top of my head. 

 

I KNEW It

Yeah, I gave up on the squat challenge. I had one of my moods and I just didn't do it again. I'll start over tho. I'll do it from the beginning to the end. And I'll start tomorrow.

Squat Day Challenge Day Three, Four, and Five

Ha, opps. I forgot to post. I was being lazy. Anyway, day three  of the squat challenge was really good. I wasn't sore at all and I was just amazing. The 55 squats were a little hard to do but I did them and I think I deserve a pat on the back. Rest day was great. I was just chill'n, I didn't work out that day like I said I would but... regardless, it was nice. I haven't done today's squats but I will and I will make a post on it tomorrow. Okaaaaaaaaaaaaay, bye.

Squat Challenge Day Two

I remembered! Yay, I'm proud of myself. It is late, 9:28 to be exact. Okay, so here it goes. 
I didn't weigh myself because I slept in, I know, but that's what happened. I'll weight myself tomorrow and not again until October 20th. 
Today, I woke up to my butt and legs hurting like nobodies business. I think that is why I slept in so late...like I was exhausted. Anyway, today was terrible because it was so hard for me to walk or bend over AND DON'T TALK TO ME ABOUT SITTING DOWN now that is pain . And I did long, relaxing stretches before bed but I still woke up sore regardless. I just think that my body needs to adjust and I hope it happens soon. Today, I only did the 55 squats, I couldn't handle doing anything else, I would like to walk tomorrow thank you very much, and it was hard but not as hard as I thought they were going to be, I'm proud of myself for sucking up and doing it. And now I feel good, tired but good. Don't get me wrong, I felt fucking terrible while doing them but now that they are done and I did them, I can give myself a clap on the back or whatever.
Okay, so  I know that exercising is good but I feel like eating well is a plus. I'm not saying that because I'm fat, I'm saying it because I need to eat better. I just don't eat as well as I should and I want to change that, ya know. There are fat girls out there who are healthy and eating healthy and I strive to be like them. It's hard because my dad buys most of the food in the house and he buys  like pop and chips but I've (along with my sisters) have been trying to encourage him to buy healthier choices. We all need healthier choices. I want him and Ma to be around for a long time and the way to do that is to pack the body full of nutrients. And let me say this before I get too far ahead of myself, that I wasn't eating very well today. Let me tell you what I had for breakfast: I had 2 eggo waffles and 1 large egg ( seasoned with black pepper,cayenne pepper  and garlic powder,  NO SALT) and a strawberry yoghurt. I think I did alright for breakfast ( now mind you I had breakfast at 1 in the afternoon...I know) and for lunch I had chips ( sour cream and onion) and more chips and more chips, then for a real meal I had a little bit of tuna( seasoned with pepper, garlic powder, onion powered, cayenne pepper, 1 tablespoon of mayo and Sriracha)   over 1 toast and another yoghurt. Then for dinner, I had some pizza..which is just like wah wah wah, lol.
For the most part though, I think I did alright. I want to do better but what I need is self control...I lack that and have since I can remember. I will eat whatever is in front of me until it is gone and  I eat it rather quickly. So I want to work on eating slower and just less of everything. I also want to try like...drinking a glass of water before I eat which can help me eat less and keep more further hydrated. I don't know it that will work on me :/ but I will try anyway. 
Oh, before I go I wanna to talk about me doing some extra exercises. Like I can do Jillian Micheal's 30 day shred as a workout in addition to the Squat Challenge ( I'm only doing to squat challenge for now), I think it will be great for me to have this extra workout where I sweat and jump, do other things other than squat. I don't want to get bored with just squatting. I was thinking about starting it on my first rest day ( of the squat challenge) so I don't fall of the wagon...maybe I'll do that.
So, basically, squat challenge day two was a success other than some of the crap stuff that I ate and the soreness and the pain...I'm a trooper ( no I'm not) but I know I can do this. I wanna finish something for once. And be fucking proud of myself.
And lose some weight.
Okay, I'm going to relax now..watch some TV or something.
Night,
Whitney
**Oh, I'll post my weight with Squat Challenge Day Three tomorrow. GAH

Grown Up and Squat Challenge Day One

I remembered to make a post... three days later but hey at least I'm doing it right? Like I said in the last post I want to go on here and make a post about turning 18. I think I may be making a big deal out of it but regardless, it scares me. There is no turning back, I will never be 17, 16, 15, or 14 again and that shit frightens me to no end. I turn 20 in two more years, whether I am ready for it or not and that shit frightens me, too. Like I'm a fucking adult, legally but not emotionally or mentally ,as I said before I rely on my parents for everything at the moment and I don't know if I'm ready to change that. I mean I would love a job so I can have my own money and save for shit that I want or need but that is about it. I'm not ready for pay bills and shit, and it's not like my parents are rushing me. They are really supportive and want me to take my time but I feel like I'm being rushed. Just looking at the world around me and realizing that I'm apart of that now. No more high school bullshit, no more fake reality. I'm in reality now. This is it. No going back
  I wish I could go back. I feel like my whole senior year was me complaining to get out and graduate so I wouldn't have to deal with shit tones of homework, or teachers, or being stuck in the school crowd. I was tired of seeing the same people, I was sick of being stuck in high school...but I kind of miss it in a strange way. I do. It was comfort, it was routine and it was fun and safe. Now, I don't have that and I miss it. I miss school. I'm going to miss the people and the teachers...just everything. And I wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of acting like I didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of high school and to be done with everything but you know...
  And I don't know it it's just me, like I wonder if other people in my school or just people in general feel the same way. I wonder if people are scared of growing and adulthood, getting older. I'm never going to be a kid again, I'm never going to be a teenager again, my parents aren't going to be around forever and..it gives me goosebumps. It makes me want to fucking vomit. 
And I know it's life and yada yada bullshit but I still feel like this. I knew I was graduating high school and moving on and never seeing people again but it didn't hit me this hard until now. Now that summers over and everyone is  back at school or  everyone has moved on to college or with jobs... and here I am. Here I am. Stuck with this fear of growing up. 
I'm not in college, I don't work...I don't do anything and I watch people on facebook move on like it's just so fucking easy. I watch people move on so fucking quickly. And they are excited and they are happy and they are this or that....and I'm just like teach me how to fucking do it. How the fuck do I move on, you know? Like, how the fuck do I forget about becoming older and let go? 
AND everyone so sure about what they want to do...and here I am... I don't know whether I want to be  a writer or fucking study business. I feel so lost and stuck but I don't have time to sit and think about it because time is moving on, with or without me. Days are beginning to run into each other and I feel so lost sometimes. 
I want answers... I want more time. I want to rewind time, be a kid again, go through all the shit I went through again and then maybe I will learn the second time around. Maybe the next time around I will be more sure about life and fall into fucking life like everyone else.
Yeah right.
I've been looking for a job and hopefully , when I find one, that will give me some type of responsibility which will give me closure...or something. And I'm going back to school in January and maybe that will keep me out of my own head and give me something to do so I don't feel so useless and bored and confused and sad and blah and blah.
ANYWAY,
I'm going to be posting on this blog everyday for a month..or I will try to at least...haaaaaaaaaaa. I'm doing the squat challenge which last 30 days, with my own little twist. I did it this morning, fifty squats (with weight, I did like squat and push the weights up above my head) , run in place for 5 minutes, 15 jump squats, run for 3 minutes, 20 reach squats. It took me 25-30 minutes and afterwards I felt terrible. Overly heated , I felt dizzy, and just like just sick. I'm going to keep doing it or try to...for the whole thirty days.
I'm also doing the crunch and arm challenge as my second work out, since I'm planning on working out twice a day, which also lasts for 30 days, I'm going to be posting about that on here too. 20 crunches to start, and I don't know about the arm challenge. I'll just look up some arm workouts and make-up numbers for that. I'm actually excited. I want to lose weight and get toned by the end of December. 20 pounds is my goal but if I don't get there then I'm not going to punish or feel sorry for myself. I just want to work hard. 
I'm not sure how much I weight but I want to weigh myself tomorrow and not again until October 20th. I don't want to be attached to the scale. It isn't healthy and just because you aren't losing weight doesn't mean you are getting toned, or muscular, or healthier...whatever your goal is. Mine is to lose enough weight to no be a diabetic anymore or not having to take so much insulin. That's my goal.
I'll post tomorrow with my weight and Squat/Crunch/Arm Challenge Day Two.
*sorry for any typos, I was just typing with out thinking. 

IMMA GROWN WOMAN!!

Ya, girl turned 18 on September 13th. I really wish I would have blogged it but I wanted to enjoy my birthday weekend...which was the same as any other day...except you know...it was my birthday.
I turned 18, isn't that crazy? I'm legally able to do whatever the hell I want. I'm legally considered a grown woman. It is terrifying to me, to be considered an adult when I still have a mind of teenager..well no, I wouldn't say that...what I mean is that I still rely on my parents for pretty much everything. To take me places, food, money, yada yada. I don't know if I'm ready, I don't have a choice really.
I've enjoyed 17, it was a really great age. My favorite age. I loved shocking people. I loved that I was still legally a child. I loved how much fun I had with this age.
You've been good to me 17 but it is time to take 18 full force. This should be fun.

 

 I wore this outfit on my actual birthday. I went to Red Robins with the fam then we went home and  ate loads of cake and ice cream. It was fun, I really enjoyed myself. Oh, and the next day we went to see Insidious chapter 2, it was good. I wish it was more scary though.
Anyway, I love this outfit, all black is my thing. Black is such a good color for me, it just makes me feel bad-ass, but I still love to wear color...just not as much as I like to wear black..
This shirt gave me life when I first saw it but I was afriad to wear it because I'm fat but I got over it and stayed confident, and now I could wear this shirt everyday. I won't though because I don't want it to get dirty. ( IT DOESN'T SAY HOW TO CLEAN IT..LIKE..WHAT? :/ )
AND, I am in desperate need for so new black, LEATHER boots. I love the ones above but they are from payless and getting a little old. I'm not bashing Payless, these boots have been good to me. I would just like to get some that will last me for a very long time, you know? Like some Docs ( I have green ones) or motorcycle boots. I don't know.
Okay, I'm done rambling. 
Actually, I want to make a post on here tomorrow. I want to talk about my fears growing up and touch some more on change. I hope I remember, if not then the next day.

Night,
Whitney xx
 

Batman

I'm doing my best to keep up with this blog, I'm just lazy but I have an idea. Since I won't be going to school until the winter, I want to make scheduled days to which I have to make a post. Like homework. It will keep me busy and I won't feel completely useless or bored while I am at home. I don't know what days but maybe like three days out of the week? Four? Monday, Wednesday, Friday, Sunday? Is that too much? Whateves, I will figure it out.
ANYWAY, I am so excited for fall. This outfits was taken like two days ago and it makes me excited for fall/winter, you know where I can actually wear a faux leather jacket without feeling like I'm about to die from heat. Yeah. that would be nice. I didn't wear this outfit "out", I just decided to get dressed because I was sick of being in my PJs or lazy wear. It was nice to let my hair loose. I will be wearing this everyday of the fall haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa, yeah.

 

Oh, and these boots are MY LIFE. I love them so much, even if they do make my feet hurt, not too much tho.

 

RINGSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS, my spider is missing a leg.
Okay, bah.

Change & Strips

I don't really know what to write about but I guess I could talk about change. I don't know about anyone else but sometimes taking a chance or making a change paralyzes me, my life. I think it has held me back in high school and is holding me back in recent decisions in my life. I don't know why. Every time I want to do something bold, I'm just like nah, I can't, and not with clothing but with other things such as hairstyles or just life style things, such as college or jobs, something more like that. I'm even afraid to lose weight, I don't want to lose weight, I need to for health reasons, but that is for another time, another post. 
I'm afraid to finish things or pull through, with my writings or stories. WHY? I've been wondering why for the past three years. I just want to understand myself. Is it because I'm afraid to lose my family or my sisters? Am I afraid of losing memories or missing out on something? Am I sacrificing my dreams and life because of this fear? 
I don't know. I'm just annoyed with myself. I want to break this fear, so for my birthday I'm going to get a tattoo and dye my hair (black or add some dark auburn). Just small things that can ease my fear, you know. To teach myself that change is good, and amazing. Even if it is terrifying. I've learned and taught myself to love my body then I can teach myself that fear isn't bad or whatever....right?
Anyway, here are some pics from late June, early July. 

 

I love this shirt so much, it works so well for the summer and winter. Def my go to shirt for the summer.
 

Take Two

Blog number two. This time I'm taking it more seriously, before I felt as if I was just creating a blog because it was a trend and I wanted in. I was so young too, I was only 14 when I started. Now, almost 4 years later I'm ready to try again and make it good. Make it real, use it to help make a name for myself. And now that I'm out of high school, I can update more frequently and do more with this blog. If I have don't have readers than I can use it as a scrapbook for myself to look back on in later years of my life. 
I think this will be a great way to express myself and help me further build self love and appreciation for myself and my body.
This journey begins now, August 18, 2013 and I'm ready!! :)