I remembered to make a post... three days later but hey at least I'm doing it right? Like I said in the last post I want to go on here and make a post about turning 18. I think I may be making a big deal out of it but regardless, it scares me. There is no turning back, I will never be 17, 16, 15, or 14 again and that shit frightens me to no end. I turn 20 in two more years, whether I am ready for it or not and that shit frightens me, too. Like I'm a fucking adult, legally but not emotionally or mentally ,as I said before I rely on my parents for everything at the moment and I don't know if I'm ready to change that. I mean I would love a job so I can have my own money and save for shit that I want or need but that is about it. I'm not ready for pay bills and shit, and it's not like my parents are rushing me. They are really supportive and want me to take my time but I feel like I'm being rushed. Just looking at the world around me and realizing that I'm apart of that now. No more high school bullshit, no more fake reality. I'm in reality now. This is it. No going back
I wish I could go back. I feel like my whole senior year was me complaining to get out and graduate so I wouldn't have to deal with shit tones of homework, or teachers, or being stuck in the school crowd. I was tired of seeing the same people, I was sick of being stuck in high school...but I kind of miss it in a strange way. I do. It was comfort, it was routine and it was fun and safe. Now, I don't have that and I miss it. I miss school. I'm going to miss the people and the teachers...just everything. And I wish I would have enjoyed it more instead of acting like I didn't care. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad to be out of high school and to be done with everything but you know...
And I don't know it it's just me, like I wonder if other people in my school or just people in general feel the same way. I wonder if people are scared of growing and adulthood, getting older. I'm never going to be a kid again, I'm never going to be a teenager again, my parents aren't going to be around forever and..it gives me goosebumps. It makes me want to fucking vomit.
And I know it's life and yada yada bullshit but I still feel like this. I knew I was graduating high school and moving on and never seeing people again but it didn't hit me this hard until now. Now that summers over and everyone is back at school or everyone has moved on to college or with jobs... and here I am. Here I am. Stuck with this fear of growing up.
I'm not in college, I don't work...I don't do anything and I watch people on facebook move on like it's just so fucking easy. I watch people move on so fucking quickly. And they are excited and they are happy and they are this or that....and I'm just like teach me how to fucking do it. How the fuck do I move on, you know? Like, how the fuck do I forget about becoming older and let go?
AND everyone so sure about what they want to do...and here I am... I don't know whether I want to be a writer or fucking study business. I feel so lost and stuck but I don't have time to sit and think about it because time is moving on, with or without me. Days are beginning to run into each other and I feel so lost sometimes.
I want answers... I want more time. I want to rewind time, be a kid again, go through all the shit I went through again and then maybe I will learn the second time around. Maybe the next time around I will be more sure about life and fall into fucking life like everyone else.
Yeah right.
I've been looking for a job and hopefully , when I find one, that will give me some type of responsibility which will give me closure...or something. And I'm going back to school in January and maybe that will keep me out of my own head and give me something to do so I don't feel so useless and bored and confused and sad and blah and blah.
ANYWAY,
I'm going to be posting on this blog everyday for a month..or I will try to at least...haaaaaaaaaaa. I'm doing the squat challenge which last 30 days, with my own little twist. I did it this morning, fifty squats (with weight, I did like squat and push the weights up above my head) , run in place for 5 minutes, 15 jump squats, run for 3 minutes, 20 reach squats. It took me 25-30 minutes and afterwards I felt terrible. Overly heated , I felt dizzy, and just like just sick. I'm going to keep doing it or try to...for the whole thirty days.
I'm also doing the crunch and arm challenge as my second work out, since I'm planning on working out twice a day, which also lasts for 30 days, I'm going to be posting about that on here too. 20 crunches to start, and I don't know about the arm challenge. I'll just look up some arm workouts and make-up numbers for that. I'm actually excited. I want to lose weight and get toned by the end of December. 20 pounds is my goal but if I don't get there then I'm not going to punish or feel sorry for myself. I just want to work hard.
I'm not sure how much I weight but I want to weigh myself tomorrow and not again until October 20th. I don't want to be attached to the scale. It isn't healthy and just because you aren't losing weight doesn't mean you are getting toned, or muscular, or healthier...whatever your goal is. Mine is to lose enough weight to no be a diabetic anymore or not having to take so much insulin. That's my goal.
I'll post tomorrow with my weight and Squat/Crunch/Arm Challenge Day Two.
*sorry for any typos, I was just typing with out thinking.
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